Published Originally: July 15th, 2014
Dear diary I think I am in-love with a married man!!!
How do I begin to state my case that I would be able to avoid sounding any more desperate than I already do?
Of course I know it isn’t a norm for a ‘single’ naija chic to be in love with a married man but what can I say; I am already in this mess, so the question now is; HOW DO I GET OUT?!
It started a while ago, of course after I met Deji. I was at work on a certain day when a colleague of mine brought in his friend and introduced him as mr X…
Hmmmm “Mr X” I thought to myself, strange but yet intriguing!
Something about ‘X’ felt so ‘bad-boyish’ yet still so innocent. His eyes had a million untold stories, his lips a journey to a mysterious place and his smile an aisle to adventure unknown!… It almost struck me like a déjà vu, almost like I had met him in a past I couldn’t remember or lay my hands on…. I was totally taken aback; quietly I sat in a corner of the office, observing ‘Mr X’… his moves… his words… his actions and even his smile! How could a stranger have this much effect on me, I bothered!
That night, I went to bed thinking… a million thoughts knocking at any sense of decency I still had left!… Of course at that point I hadn’t realized he was married because he didn’t have his wedding band on, so my mind was left to wander the 7 heavens and the 7 seas! I wondered what his lips would taste like, what his grip would feel like; what reaction his dark- rich firm skin would have against my plum bountilicious sexy African body (oooh looo lu yiah!) but most especially I wondered if he even noticed me at all!!!
Weeks passed and I didn’t see him, he obviously had no reason to stop by at work or probably he was too busy to drop by. Memories of him began to fade away leaving only a figment of my imagination to hold on to.
While memories of X faded away, new memories with Deji were being made and had begun to feel even realer; we were getting to know eachother better; getting to understand or tolerate our differences… We were growing stronger as a couple! Deji, thank heavens is one of the sweetest men I had ever met and so he made it difficult for my lustful heart to loathe for any other man, keeping me occupied with his ‘TLC’- Tender Loving Care! But something just wasn’t right somehow; Yes he loves me and yes I do care immensely for him; I just still didn’t feel COMPLETE!… I still had a craving for something; an adventure! I wanted more out of life, “safe” is good but also very boring! Maybe the song on my playlist was actually in reference to me; “the bad guys aint no gud; and the good guys aint no fun” or maybe I was probably being insatiable (oju kokoro) like the yorubas would call it!!!
Of course ‘love’ is the hardest term to define! Often a time people use this strange and extremely complicated 4-lettered word but yet still have no clue what it really means! I for one just prefer to play it safe; “assume LOVE doesn’t exist”!!! Maybe I am scared, maybe I am unsure, maybe I am scared of commitments, maybe I have trust issues, maybe it exists, may be it doesn’t…. the million maybe’s could go on forever! Need not to say, I still don’t know what I feel for dotun…. Yes I know I care about him dearly, but isn’t enough to be called LOVE?
I am stuck in this cul-de-sac; just one way out and only I could save myself!
Exactly two weeks after X’s first visit to the office, the devil’s ogbono soup was finally ready and I was the main course of the meal!… like trying to decipher what I and Deji had and shared wasn’t enough complications already, just when I had begun to “try” to make the relationship work because the doubt was beginning to eat me from the inside-out… X happened again!
It was on a Thursday afternoon at work… just a normal day; nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary… just a normal work day! As I sat with my laptop, surfing the web, laughing at hilarious youtube videos and pretending to be working HE walked in! Something about an unfamiliar yet familiar laugh seemed to catch my attention… that voice… that perfume… X!
Immediately, I shot my gaze up, my shameless heart pounding at an enormous rate…
“Stop it, Heart! Stop it!” I scolded my thumbing heart.
‘Gbum-gbum-gbum-gbum-gbum’ It stubbornly thudded faster!
My palms began to sweat profusely as I watched him approach him, greeting everyone in his way. I tried as much as possible not to look his way, pretending to be engrossed in the blank screen of my laptop as my eyes could no longer see anything on the screen, everything now appeared blank; putting my head close to the screen, pointing, squinting and mouthing imaginary words to make it appear like I was seriously reading something off the screen… I heard him speak to me.
“Hello you, I don’t think we have been formally introduced” he said stretching his hand out for a shake
“w-who m-m-me?” I stammered
‘Yes, you. I am sorry, are you busy?” he asked, showing off his perfect dentition
“Ehm y-yes. No I mean no” I added
“Oh, so my name is X… is this seat taken?” he said pointing to the chair beside me
My eyes quietly searching the room for anyone standing so I could easily claim the seat belonged to the person… Any excuse at all to prevent him from seating beside me, scared he might hear my thudding heart beating furiously against my chest.
“No, it’s free… sit” I managed to say, disappointed by my inability to come up with a lie.
‘Gbumm-gbumm-gbumm-gbumm-gbumm-gbuummm’ it thudded further.
“You know, you still haven’t told me your name yet…” he said, slightly bending his head to the side
“Oh my name is…” just as I was about to tell him my name, I got interrupted by someone, his friend.
Gladly my subconscious danced ‘sekem’ appreciative of the interruption, heaven knew I needed this relief! So I quickly dived back into the emptiness of the blank screen of my laptops desktop; searching for any application or file I could use to “pretentiously” keep myself busy in case he- or anyone asked what I was so engrossed in!
Guys would always be guys; he and his friend (the colleague of mine) continued to gist for a while, buying me more time to quietly observe and eavesdrop on their conversation; allowing me to “understand” this man my heart had suddenly grown fund of!… I smiled at his ‘plenty-plenty’ jokes (which were very funny, by the way) and nodded silently at his intelligent remarks- God, this man is smart. Somewhere within, someone secretly screamed and craved for a flaw on his end, anything to make me dislike him or at least- think less of him but the more the more I tried; the more I fell headfirst over hills in-lust with him! To make matters worse, he kept staring at me through his peripheral eyes as I kept ‘catching his eyes on me’.
Bravely, I summed up courage and simply walked out of the room- afterall, if you can’t take the heat; you the fcuk out!!! So I moved to the next office beside mine and decided to “investigate” X. stylishly, I went round asking different people about X, just random brief questions “as short as a lady’s skirt, but long enough to cover the ‘subject matter!’” little chit-chats here and there, you know, amebo stuff and that was when the unnerving truth was revealed; he was married!!!! My heart literally shattered into a million pieces because I knew, for me, his ‘marriage’ marked the end to my fantasies actualizing in reality as I strongly believed in the law of karma- whatever you do with another woman’s husband would also be done to you; hence why I had to ‘kill’ every feeling whatsoever!
Painfully I had to accept reality; walking home pathetically at the close of work, staring at my feet and trying to fully grasp the harsh reality of how all the good men are either married, gay or dead! On my long walk home just as I was entering the next street from where my office was located, I heard an annoying car horn disturbing my hearing
‘pkeeeeem- pkeeeeeeeem- pkeeeeeeeem’ the annoying horn continued blaring!
I simply moved closer to the pedestrian lane of the road, just in case I was in the way of the annoying driver who was test-running his new horn but the horning only got worse causing me to turn back, annoyed and frustrated, my intention basically to insult the driver who wouldn’t let poor lost Juliet mourn her dearly departed ‘married-Romeo’ in peace!
“gbe oshi eh ko ko…” I paused just as I was about to complete my insult….
“I am sorry for horning like that; remember you didn’t tell me your name?”
“Shit!” I cursed, under my breath.
It was X.
“Hop in let me give you a lift, you obviously look exhausted” he added with a smile.
“Shit!!” I cursed again under my breath, confused on whether to decline or accept the gesture.
*****TO BE CONTINUED****
TO GET THE INTERESTING GIST OF WHETHER OR NOT WE HAD OUR FIRST KISS THAT NIGHT?
JOIN IN NEXT MONDAY FOR THE SEQUEL…
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